A Different Way to Heal
by hooked-on-degrassi
Summary: After Paige was raped by Dean, she never told anyone, and took her life down a new, more dangerous and self-destructive path. could be rated T, but rated M just in case.
1. Shout pt 1

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, but duh, it's a fanfic.

a/n: this story takes place way back in the day. When Paige was raped, she didn't tell anyone, not Hazel, or Ashley, or . She took a different route in trying to console herself, and heal the scars that Dean left.

When did it start? I remember it perfectly. It all started when I was just a small, naïve, niner. Degrassi won the soccer game that we we're cheering for, but I was less interested in the game, and more interested in _him_. Dean. I met him while he was on the bus about to leave and he invited me to a party at his friend's house. Spinner had already asked me to go out with him, but I didn't want Spinner, I wanted Dean.

So me and Hazel spent the day getting ready for this party. I wanted to look sexy for him; I didn't want to come off as a young, inexperienced, naïve, niner, what I really was. And it worked. Dean invited me upstairs after I asked him to go somewhere more quiet, if I had known what was going to happen, I would ran away as fast s I could, and never looked back. But I didn't know, so I followed him upstairs into that bedroom.

At first Dean took it slow, like I asked him to, and I was entirely fine with making out on the messy bed. But then Dean's hand went up my shirt, and it freaked me out, but I got over it. Then he started getting a little rough and I told him to stop. And he did stop; he stopped long enough to pull a condom out of his pocket. My eyes bulged and I told him no. But he didn't listen, he just pushed me down, and well, you know the rest…

But Dean raping me isn't what I'm here to talk about. It's what happened after the incident that put me where I am today. After Dean got dressed and left me there, naked and in tears, my head was spinning. I put my clothes back on, but felt disgusting. There was this feeling growing in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't explain. But all the feelings and thought that were whirling about inside my head was too much. I ran to the bathroom, and got rid of the feeling. I threw up everything that was inside me until I felt empty. And with the emptiness came a calm feeling. All the craziness going on inside me was gone, and I felt better.

I got up from the floor, flushed the toilet, and cleaned myself up. When I left the bathroom, no one expected anything, assuming I just had way too much to drink. It felt good that I could fool them. But when I was walking home, the calmness eventually faded, and I had realized what had happened. I didn't want to feel the shame, the guilt, the dirtiness, the anger. All of it was too much. So when I got home, I raided the fridge and stuffed my face, until I could no longer feel anything but the pain in stomach from too much food. Then I just leaned over the sink and got rid of it all. I smiled when I the emptiness and calm came. I ran the disposal before heading up to bed, thanking God that no one was home. And when I fell asleep, I felt nothing.

And that's when it started. That my friend, is where I, Paige Michalchuk, began my struggle with bulimia.


	2. Shout pt 2

Now I don't know if it was just a way to cope with my raging emotions that were just too big for me to cope with, or if it was because I thought that if I were thinner, people wouldn't mess with me and I'd become untouchable that led me down this road. Maybe it was both, maybe it was other stuff too, but I'm not a psychiatrist, I am just a crazy girl who makes herself throw-up, quite often multiple times per day. But anyway here's the rest of my story…

When I went back to school Monday, Hazel asked me what happened last night. She asked me if we had sex, and I told her the truth, just not the part about it being nonconsensual. And of course she was fishing for details, details which I was not going to give. So I just told her it was private and would rather not talk about it. She took it, and we never really talked about the sex after that.

But later on, Spinner said something to me that made me feel absolutely horrible. He practically called me a skank, which I did not need to hear since I already felt like garbage. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I told him not to touch me, not to ever touch me. But then, he told me, and I quote, "why not, everyone else does." The words kept ringing in my head, and I slapped him, and then proceeded for the girls' washroom. No one was around, I triple-checked, so I purged myself until those stupid words stopped ringing in my thoughts.

When I was done, I once again cleaned myself up, but then I took a good, long, hard, look at myself in the mirror. It's like my perception had changed. I used to love who I was, but now, when I looked at my reflection, all I saw was this ugly monster. I wanted the old Paige back, but she's gone, she ran away that night, and I'll never get her back.

a/n: okay, so in the show, Hazel comes into the bathroom, tells her what Spinner said was out of line, and Paige confesses what really happens, and hazel says that it was rape. But I took Hazel out of the scene to make it fit better with my storyline. Hooray for creative liberty.


	3. She Bang pt 1

A couple weeks had past, and I had grown accustomed to my new system of binging, purging, and feeling anxious in between. It was pretty much and every day, if not more, thing now. I was off in my own world, like I had been a lot lately, when Terri found me outside Degrassi waving a neon-colored flyer in her hand.

"Paige look!" Terri said excitedly, shoving the paper into my hands. I lifted up my sunglasses as I read it.

"Battle of the bands Terri? PMS broke up." I reminded her, bored. It was hard for me to get excited about anything lately.

"I know, but look at the prize!"

"Winning band gets a demo?" I put on a cheery smile, fake of course, but the idea did appeal to me. "Terri, we could move to LA!" A change of scenery could be good for me.

After Terri and I had fantasized about meeting the beach boys and the California sun, we headed to Mr. Simpson's room to sign PMS up for the contest. I had just hit submit, when Terri reminded me of something.

"Shouldn't we add Ash to the band? We need a singer."

"Not in this lifetime." I was still sore about what she said to me, though it didn't seem as important anymore. "Meet hazel Spice, the newest addition to our group."I informed Terri and I grabbed Hazel.

Hazel then turned to thank me endlessly, and sing obnoxiously, which really got on my nerves. I probably should have just asked Ashley, but I'm rather stubborn.

Later in Mrs. Kwan's class, we had to share our poetry. I was nervous and really didn't want to as I stared at the poem I had written

_The lights go out all around me,  
One last candle to keep out the night.  
And then the darkness surrounds me;  
I know I'm alive,  
But I feel like I died.  
And all that's left is to accept that it's over,  
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.  
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder.  
I feel like I'm slipping away…_

I was unaware we were going to be sharing our poems. I thought Mrs. Kwan would simply check that we've done them and that'd be it, like normal. But there was no way I was sharing this poem, no way in hell.

First Terri shared her poem. Some love-dovey middle-school type poem. Spinner made a comment on it which caused a few snickers, but it really was bad. But when she asked my opinion on it, I told her it was good, just in a rhyming dictionary type of way.

Ashley however, had a great poem. It was all about pain, and losing people. I could tell it was about what happened over the summer, but it could have been taken in different ways as well. Either way, it struck my interest, especially since it was very close to my poem.

But then, the worst happened, Mrs. Kwan called on me to share. I was not going to show these people my inner being, that poem was just too personal for anyone but me to read. So I lied and told Mrs. Kwan that I forgot the assignment, as I crumpled up the piece of loose leaf paper that I held in my shaking hands. So what, I'd rather have one F, then have everyone think I'm crazy, even if I am…

After school, we held our first practice in the music room. Terri was wearing the outfit we wore to the cabaret last year, but that just wasn't going to cut it. I may have changed, but I still had my fashion sense. Plus, if she wore her outfit, I'd have to wear mine, which meant showing off my gross, disgusting stomach. Just the thought of it made me want to purge.

"Terri, what are you wearing?" I asked disappointedly.

"I had to get in the mood." She said as she played with her hair.

"Well cheesy pop chicks are out, go change." I ordered.

"No." Terri shot back disobediently.

"Pardon?" I asked cocking my head to the side.

"I said no."

"Terri…." Hazel tried to intervene.

"Paige just doesn't understand the word, never has." That one hurt.

I felt that feeling of emotions whirling around in my stomach again, but I tried to just get past it. "Whatever" I mumbled.

I hit a button on the keyboard producing a sickeningly poppy beat, and started strumming my guitar. Hazel began singly, off key, Terri's mush love poem, and after a few lyrics, I couldn't take it anymore. Not only was it not working for me, the whirling in my stomach was unbearable. I strummed a chord loudly and exited dramatically as I told them this wasn't working. But before going to my locker, I had to stop in the washroom to get rid of this feeling.

After fleeing Degrassi, I stopped by Ashley's, where I could hear the faint sound of the piano and her voice singing softly, as I rang the doorbell. When Ashley answered, she didn't look amused.

"What?" Ashley asked, arms crossed over her chest.

"Ash, we need you." I begged.

"For what?" she inquired.

"The band, we're horrible without you, and we need your genius for lyrics. We need something real." I confessed to her.

"Something real?" she asked, puzzled.

"Yeah, you know, like how it feels to get dumped, pain, abuse, anything you want, it just has to be real." I said while looking down.

"This doesn't sound like the old Paige." She told me.

"Well maybe I've changed." It was true.

"Do you really think we have a chance?" she asked, curiously.

"You know what, I do." I said confidently.

a/n:the "poem" Paige wrote, is actually a verse from Superchick's Beauty From Pain.


	4. She Bang pt 2

The next day, Ashley came in with her new lyrics. They were much darker, a better version, but now what I needed right now. However, I couldn't tell her I didn't like the lyrics without revealing a valid reason why, so, I sucked it up.

"It's great." I told her, putting on a fake smile.

"It's about rape. I searched it on the internet, and you wouldn't believe all the stories I found. And did you know? By the time you hit university, one in four girls has been sexually assaulted." Ashley informed us, proud of all the work she put into this.

"It's a little, dark." Terri said, concerned.

"Yeah, but it's about something real, just like Paige said." Ashley beamed

"Yeah…" I trailed off, starting to get that whirling feeling again.

All day, I couldn't stop thinking of Ashley's new song. I knew it was a better version, but it just hit way too close to home. And by the time lunch came, I was a wreck. The whirling had become as powerful as a hurricane, and I just had to do something about these emotions. So I took my lunch into one of the lesser used washrooms, and inhaled it. The snack cakes, the turkey sandwich, the carrot sticks, the apple, and of course, the bottle of coke. I was so full, that once again, it was the only thing I could feel. Then I just kneeled in front of the porcelain god, and watched it all come right back up, burning my throat and making my eyes water, but I got every last bit, and it was worth it.

At the end of the day, we had our first practice with the new lyrics. It was also our last practice before the performance tomorrow. Ashley started her keyboard, and Terri and I started strumming, and then…no lyrics.

"Hazel, that's you." Ashley said.

But Hazel just held up a sign that said I CAN"T SING.

"Oh hun, you're not that bad." I joked

She just gave me a look and turned the sign over, POLYPS

"Po-lipes-is?" Terri attempted.

"Pol-lips. Over practice." Hazel hoarsely whispered.

After a bit of debating, Terri and Ash decided I should be the one that sings the solo. Great…

When I got home I felt sick. After singing those words, they just left the taste of shame and guilt in my mouth. I had to get rid of it. So I headed downstairs, checking the clock. No one would be home for at least another hour. Parents at work, and Dylan at hockey practice, I was grateful for the time. I searched the fridge and freezer frantically, my emotions taking a hold of me, while I did my routine. I grabbed all the contents of my binge, and piled them on the counter, and then dug in right away when I was satisfied. I could feel my stomach expanding as I did so, but I just had to do it, I needed to feel nothing but the ache, and then eventually the emptiness and calm. Once everything in my pile was devoured, I pulled my hair back and stuck my index and middle finger down my throat, and watched the parade of food come back up in reverse. When the emptiness and calm finally came, I ran the disposal, cleaned up my mess, and headed upstairs for a shower.

The next day, we were getting ready to go onstage, and I was a nervous wreck. I already purged twice this morning, just thinking about going up in front of all those people and singing that song. It's like I was going to be confessing what happened to me. And if they found out that secret, they might find out my others. And that would be a catastrophe.

"Hey Paige, you okay?" Ashley asked me, looking concerned.

"Yeah I'm fine," I said, putting on a fake smile. "Just nervous."

"Yeah, me too." Terri added in.

Terri and Ashley began talking about the contest and LA, and how cool it will be when we win, when they finally called PMS to the stage. If I thought my heart was going crazy now, I was wrong. Because when I walked on stage, it nearly stopped. _He_ was here.

The music started, and I took a huge gulp. I nearly missed my cue when he winked at me, but instead, I just smirked and did my thing. I hit that first chord hard, and sang the first line with vengeance. I sounded awesome, we all did.

_It happens to other people_

_You say how sad  
You say poor thing  
But when it's you It's something else  
Its everything.  
You'll never believe the nightmares  
You'll never know the pain you caused  
You'll never see the scars you left  
The things you stole  
Your starring role  
In everything lost  
You took my body, tore it in half  
You took my childhood my heart and my laugh  
You took everything I kept for myself  
And then you're gone  
I'm not your poor thing_

_You took my body, tore it in half  
You took my childhood my heart and my laugh  
You took everything I kept for myself  
And then you're gone  
I'm not your poor thing_

And the best part was, Dean left in the middle of our performance. I won, I beat him. I felt great, on top of the world. Of course we didn't win, but it still felt awesome. That is, until I got home and went to sleep…

I woke up in the middle of the night, shaking with fear. I had a nightmare about him. I was in the washroom, and so was he. I questioned his intentions, and he told me he was here to see me. I told him he raped me, but he said that he didn't, that I wanted it. He said I was just another dumb niner whore who deserved what I got. And then he raped me again, but I woke up in the middle of it. It just felt, so real.

I started to cry, and just couldn't stop, so I reached under my bed for the shoe box full of candy that I kept for a time like this. I ate six bars in like three seconds, and rushed to my private bathroom to get rid of it. When I was done, I was no longer crying, and felt slightly better, but I was too afraid to go back to sleep. I was wrong, I didn't win, Dean did.

a/n: so, surprise surprise, Paige never told anyone, and therefore didn't go to tell after the show. What could this mean for the future episodes???


End file.
